Change of Heart

A long time has passed since my last entry. Much has changed since then. Jen is no longer an issue, at least not romantically. She decided that she would refer to "the boyfriend" by a fake name, to prevent me from finding out the true identity of the guy. It turns out to be Jeff, a less than ideal match for her. But this is not why I am writing tonight. I have long since dealt with that.

Tonight, I am writing about my current disappointment. Since my last entry, I was asked to be a groomsman for Dan, one of my closest friends. I gladly accepted the honor. Of course, I am allowed to bring a guest to the wedding. I didn't have anyone here that I would consider taking to the wedding, since Jen and I are no longer a couple and I am not seeing anyone else. As I thought about who I might take, I stumbed across an old ticket stub from my time at Miami University. This ticket stub was for a Manhattan Transfer concert, a birthday gift for another close friend of mine, Cherese. I would have to say that Cherese is probably my closest friend. There are things that she knew years before anyone else. Anyway, I asked her last week if she wanted to go. She was thrilled at being asked and was excitied to see me again. We had not talked for nearly a year and have not seen each other since May of 1999. Five and a half years is far too long. But she is studying to be a music teacher and is student teaching. She told me that she needed to check her calendar. So this afternoon, I get a phone call back from her. We talked briefly before she revealed that the whole weekend is booked. There is no way for her to come. She apologized and was obviously disappointed. The problem is, so am I. Perhaps too much so. Since it had been such a long time since we had talked, I had forgotten how good it feels to spend time with her. It makes the feelings of admiration and companionship I had with Jen pale in comparison. So I am not sure what to think. Am I in love? Is it too early to even be thinking about it? Should I reveal everything to her in one fell swoop? Will she reciprocate? All of these questions are just that, questions.

The other major problem results in her not being able to attend. Last night, I was talking to Jen again. We were just chatting; she was sharing that her life is not so great at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I am upset with her handling of the whole Jeff situation, but she is still a close friend. As we were talking, I mentioned the wedding. She sarcastically thanked me for inviting her to go. Immediately after, she said that if I couldn't find someone to take, she would go. I sluffed it off on the phone and changed the subject, but I was a little surprised at this. The thing is, I don't really want to take her. I didn't say yes or no on the phone, and I am regretting that now. Since Cherese can't go, I have to tell Jen that I don't want to take her. She is going to be upset. I hate to do that to her, but I need to move on. I wanted that direction to be with Cherese, but that probably won't happen now. In the meantime, I have to hurt the feelings of a close friend and my first long-term relationship.