Conflicted Emotions

Today has been a rather odd day. In order to set up the scenario, I will need to briefly explain events up to the current point.

In the summer of 2002, I dated Jen, an old schoolmate and current co-worker, for about 4 months. The relationship ended out of mainly fear on her part, since neither of us had ever been involved in a serious relationship. The following summer, we began talking again and renewed our relationship. This time, it lasted 10 months. The relationship was going so well that I actually lost my virginity to her in late January 2004. She saw me through the worst time of my life, and I was doing well. Over time, things began to change; she became more disrespectful and distant. At the end of the relationship, we mutually decided that we should be friends and move on with our lives.

This brings us to the present. Over the last few weeks, Jen has been calling me somewhat persistently to talk about life, including her new boyfriend. I really don't have a problem talking about the boyfriend, but it would be nice to know a name. She continues to refuse to tell me his name, even though we have talked about the fact that he has brought her roses and all of those small romantic things that new couples (and old ones) do for each other.

It is rather unusual for me to feel certain emotions, since I generally consider myself a fairly logical and passive person. Today, I am feeling a mild bit of jealousy and a large amount of curiosity over this boyfriend which might not even exist. It's sad that I feel that way, the lack of trust that Jen would be telling the truth, but she has been known to be extremely evasive in the past.

In talking to my therapist, (yes, I am seeing a shrink...) I began to realize that I want a social life in the worst way, just not with Jen. I am more jealous that so many people around me are happy and enjoying time with each other while I keep putting up road blocks to my enjoyment, such as putting myself down or zoning out surfing the internet or reading a book for the 43rd time.

A great deal of this feeling of jealousy is reinforced by my current situation. So many people around me, including Jen having a boyfriend. My best friend Dan just proposed to his girlfriend of a year, my brother (who is 3 years younger than I) proposed to his high-school sweetheart a couple of weeks ago, and then there are my parents, married for 30 years.

Of course, here I go, comparing myself to others when I know that isn't a good idea. But that's been a common pattern of mine, to wallow in my sorrow and not have the perserverance to rise out of my gloomy mood and love life and myself.